On writing

My father always chided me “you catch words, it is dangerous, you should take words at face value.”God bless his soul he has given me the greatest gift in this world. He made me aware of my word power. Even before I could read, he bought beautiful colorful storybooks for me. He gifted me My First Picture Dictionary when I was a crawling baby, hardly able to speak more than 3-4 words. After that more books followed and still more, making them my best friends. Now I am making my living by living in the world of words. Now I have made writing my business, breathing by writing and writing rote at times!

It is tedious, this writing process–this filling of paper with blank, empty words, putting color to otherwise opaque subject matter-night after night, week after- and at times, even longer. I feel like gnashing my teeth in fury, tear all that I have written, erase everything on the document and hurl it out of my mind. The feeling is similar to doing math problem on a heartless blackboard with squeaky chalk, exactly as hanging a beautiful picture on an insensitive wall.

Taming, capturing and molding words come as an obscure thing. Words do not come easily and at times, I find them kicking, biting, screaming at me while I try to arrest them to make meaningful compositions. Words seem to resist me, loathe me for dissecting them and their cries of a discordant symphony; of sentence mixed with sentence indiscriminately- with no care for rhyme or reason; tone or structure hurt me. 

But writing is not a choice, it is a calling. George Orwell put it best: “Writing a book is a horrible, exhausting struggle, like a long bout of some painful illness. One would never undertake such a thing if one was not driven on by some demon whom one can neither resist nor understand.” 

Gradually I have started accepting that writing is not a career, a profession, or a label, it is just the other side of us – the true us. A feeling of incompleteness engulfs me if I am not writing.  The characters and the ideas that we do not reveal in real lives come to life in our writings. Comprehending someone 100% is not possible, may it be our friends, children, husbands or wives. But writing makes you feel complete when you put your idea on that paper and in the light of the day that paper comes to life, it is alive. It is healing an injured bird or giving birth to new species. 

It is a courageous thing to call yourself a writer, as you have to expose yourself, put yourself out there. As Walter Smith said, you have to “open a vein.” But once we do, there’s no stopping us. Being a writer just because you want to be one is not worth it, you need to love it, or else you can choose any of the more celebrated professions and become a lawyer, a doctor or an investment banker. The path is difficult and testing because you have to cut and dig through yourself, inside the raw emotions and anger and guilt and sadness, humor and pain and write it all down for others to read and there you lay yourself bare and wait for the reaction. Then again writing is not to please the reader, but it is cleansing, internally. 

Thrive In Solitude

Stirring the Power of Solitude
Being a freelancer entails spending lot of time alone at the desk. But it is a delusion that writers and bloggers are lonely or alone. Alone and lonely are two different words, not to be used interchangeably. Writers are alone for the time they write since only a devotee of solitude can assimilate original ideas on any subject. Some people simply do not feel the need to mingle with other people; they are content with their social network and consider quality more vital than quantity.

One of my favorite quotes come from Paul Tillich, a German Philosopher – “Language… has created the word “loneliness” to express the pain of being alone. And it has created the word “solitude” to express the glory of being alone“.

Writers share their feelings, their personal and work experience, opinions, knowledge and more and thus they have good communication skills in writing, and are exceptional at spreading the word. Their work forces them to improve themselves, cultivate critical thinking and provide with patience to live in solitude. They are not in disagreement with the present.

Next quote I like comes from Pearl Buck – “Inside myself is a place where I live all alone, and that’s where I renew my springs that never dry up”. I am in total agreement as I do like to be in company but I deeply love my privacy and I am not ashamed of saying it. I enjoy my moments of solitude, I rediscover myself in solitude, I create some of the most satisfying pieces of work, and I find solitude most important for the sake of my development.

Some people just cannot be alone, loneliness gnaws at them, and maybe the failed connections prompt the scuffle. They fail to discover the benefits of solitude and solo time which is essential to think clearly breathe calmly, feel content and lead the self to self-awareness. Solitude and loneliness are portrayed by solitariness yet all the similarity ends up at the facade. Loneliness is a negative state, noticeable by a sense of isolation but solitude is the state of being alone without being lonely. Solitude is totally positive and constructive state of engagement providing wonderful sufficing company for the self. Lonely people feel something missing persistently and are bitterly lonely even while with crowd of people.

Some of the significant activities requiring cultivation of the quality of solitude are:
• Reading
• Experiencing nature
• Thinking creatively
• Regaining perspective
• Refreshing the senses
• Drawing sustenance and
• Replenishing ourselves

Tell me about your views on loneliness and solitude. Do you cherish alone-time or dread it?

Reverie

Reverie is a privilege in the present day contemporary lifestyle. Withdrawing from the mundane physical and mental activities and merely daydreaming really needs an effort on our part. Since I tend to desist from social contact beyond a point, and thrive in solitude, I find reverie as my escape in the private world. I find alone time influencing my personality more than relationships. I find myself withdrawing easily from rest of the world, materially as well as emotionally. Introspection empowers the human minds and uncovers the truth behind hollowness. Just like reading contributes in shaping our moral values and imagination, writing proves to be the significant medium to express emotions, ideas, dreams and passions otherwise unaware. Reverie initiates the perception needed for writing.

As a habit I reflect a lot on the process of my thoughts. Introspection is a way of life for me. Sometimes though I reflect on my childhood and seize the privilege of wishing and daydreaming. As a mother of two, I naturally dream of hope and joy for my kids. I dream my daughters being princesses, feasting on chocolates, flying on magic carpets and turning every adversity into opportunity. Today, I wish for travel. I wish for our little family to explore through India. Take my children to Indian Temples Pilgrimage like my father always took us. I wish to discover the spiritual essence that India is.

I wish for sand between my toes. I wish for sunshine on me while swimming in a pool. I wish to be riding my bicycle with free abandonment with wind in my hair. I wish for those precious moments when my little ones made me run around them everyday.

Reverie is really wishful thinking in a semi conscious state of being. Beautiful combination of consciousness and sleep, reverie blends their terrains. Like intoxication, reverie is the clarity without entity, a passive activity to let one lose and bedazzled. Being somewhere between reality and imagination, like a dreamer, yet unlike the sleepwalker whose consciousness remains sterile. The feeling is close to that of day walker who wanders sleepily but is wakeful enough to whisper what he has glimpsed. It takes from sleep the power of narration and divination arriving at intimacy. It is the sweet feeling of being somewhere between and pain of thinking. It is being between opaque sleep and daylight blindness which prevents us to witness something that escaped us.

Reverie and distraction have a thin demarcation line, as it is generous to bestow us with vagueness needed to turn back on superfluous things. It rediscovers the world for you intensely providing an understanding without ego and your consent. Reverie is a science of transition leading human beings to the intuition of heart of the matter.

Distraction: A Severe Dilemma

Many years before the full-blown invasion of technology consuming us now and rewinding our brain function, Albert Einstein remarked that, “It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.” Though he might have referred to the atom bomb at that time, today the distraction media dominating our lives is proving to be sounding a louder warning.

Ironically while writing this piece about distraction I find myself checking my mail and then peaking at another blogger who commented on my favorite psychology blog, so I click over to that site…. Moreover my ears are plugged with sarod instrumental of Ustad Amjad Ali Khan to steer clear the distracting sounds coming from my surroundings.

According to Maggie Jackson, columnist for the Boston Globe and author of the book “Distracted: The Erosion of Attention and the Coming Dark Age,” there is much more at stake in our culture today due to technology than a few bad test scores and an endemic of decoding problems. Maggie says, “The way we live is eroding our capacity for deep, sustained, perceptive attention–the building block of intimacy, wisdom, and cultural progress. Moreover, this disintegration may come at great cost to ourselves and to society….The erosion of attention is the key to understanding why we are on the cusp of a time of widespread cultural and social losses.”

Distraction has been a problem with me since early childhood. And it extends to my adulthood too, as last year I had my ears checked & treated twice due to some strange sounds I hear instead of what is said to me over my cell phone. My friends give me strange looks when I cry for concentration and think I am not a normal being. So, I while trying to give my best shot at concentration in office, shoved ear plugs deeply into my ear canals, in effort to block sounds emancipating from backdrop, like tapping of feet, girls gossiping & giggling non stop three tables away from me. The pain in my ears was unbearable but I had to keep myself focused on the screen in front of me so I visualize myself in some secluded forest trying to write my article. Added to my woes my doctor told me that my decoding skills (ability to decipher, decrypt, solve, translate) were some of the poorest he’d seen.

Recent research from top neuroscientists have found that the combination effects of extensive digital multitasking and the speed of interaction are creating a continuously increasing need for more stimulus with a significantly decreased attention span and ability to focus. Becoming habituated to constantly switching tasks and being bombarded with multiple media at once impairs the core abilities required in learning to learn.

Moreover, to make things worse, for many teens and even adults, the gadgets never turns off. Our technologies are increasingly directing our lives instead of us directing the technology. “Downtime is to the brain what sleep is to the body,” said Dr. Rich of Harvard Medical School. “But kids are in a constant mode of stimulation.”

The super distracted brain is shifting the course of relationships too. Hardly ever are teens hanging out together these days and actually focused on the people they are with–video games, texting and Facebook dominate social interaction as much as it does in time alone. The tendency toward cruelty and insensitivity is higher in digital communications. People have nerve to say things over social media sites that they would never say in person.

Now do we need to grow our humanity to catch up to our technology?

Comments are welcome.

Why I miss my teenagers while they sleep?

Surprising myself everyday when I get up at 5 am, I miss my teenagers! They are sleeping before my very eyes, peacefully, all cuddled up in sheets. They call it Brahma muhurat sleep (most auspicious time sleep). Dare I call them to do stretching with me? They moan and dismiss my pleas announcing 5 minutes more. Then as soon as they get up their faces start to cloud up with anger demanding why I did not wake them up? Now what am I to do?

When they are gone to college and coaching I miss them, their giggles, gossips, non stop chattering, giving me hug every hour and at times they are engrossed at studies too. It is comforting to ears to listen to all this noise while working online or doing chores in kitchen. I tell them it is sound pollution, that they are creating, but I know better, it is music to my ears.

Experience is the best teacher and being mother to teens is learning each day a new lesson.

I yearn for some peace of mind, I say I need to think, I need to use some brain while writing but they won’t leave me in tranquility. I go crazy sometimes and shut myself in room to concentrate. And it is surprising I yearn for them as soon as I get ‘The Peace’ while they sleep. Instantly I wish to shake them awake and hug them.

Moreover when I take my power nap I find this same noise as therapeutic, as some sort of instrumental background music. Even better than Jal Tarang played on the system.

Now can any body solve this mystery for me, Why do I get this attack and urge to wake them up as soon as I see them sleeping?

Is it a CTPS – Common Teenage Parent Syndrome, I wonder!!!

The Roots and Wings

Being a parent to teenagers is not easy job in today’s fast paced world.  I feel we need logic and love in equal measures for succeeding at this life challenge.

Though the toughest part comes when parents are forced to look at our own behavior and to change it at times despite being uncomfortable in doing so.

Sometimes with pressures of our lives to tackle, professional as well personal, we expect them to solve their problems on their own but just by providing security blanket of love and understanding, we can bring out the best in them.

I remember the old adage “Parents give their children two great gifts—one is the roots, the other is wings”.  One is an anchor, and the other is a set of sails outstretched to receive the wind.

Roots are a sense of belonging to a family where one is welcomed, appreciated, loved and given personal identity.  Wings are the opportunity of being held firmly, but lightly, by parental love.  In addition an attitude of openness and expectancy is the best gift for teenagers.

Recently when I was unwell I treated both my teenagers as individuals and did ask for their opinion, they seemed less insecure and more responsible immediately and performed their best.  Also I found my key to happiness that is making time to listen to them and actively participating in their life. How I savor these beautiful years of experience and wish they last long!

You know I find it the most satisfying experience to spend time alone with my teenagers that is one on one listening to them. All we have to do is Listen , Listen and LISTEN as teens at this age need to be heard.

Here is a poem by Charles C Finn I like and would like to share with all of you:

” Please Hear What I’m Not Saying “

Don’t be fooled by me.

Don’t be fooled by the face I wear

for I wear a mask, a thousand masks,

masks that I’m afraid to take off,

and none of them is me.

Pretending is an art that’s second nature with me,

but don’t be fooled,

for God’s sake don’t be fooled.

I give you the impression that I’m secure,

that all is sunny and unruffled with me, within as well as without,

that confidence is my name and coolness my game,

that the water’s calm and I’m in command

and that I need no one,

but don’t believe me.

Beneath lies confusion, and fear, and aloneness.

But I hide this.  I don’t want anybody to know it.

I panic at the thought of my weakness exposed.

I’m afraid your glance will not be followed by acceptance,

will not be followed by love.

I’m afraid you’ll think less of me,

that you’ll laugh, and your laugh would kill me.

I’m afraid that deep-down I’m nothing

and that you will see this and reject me.

I don’t like hiding.

I don’t like playing superficial phony games.

I want to stop playing them.

I want to be genuine and spontaneous and me

but you’ve got to help me.

You’ve got to hold out your hand

even when that’s the last thing I seem to want.

Each time you’re kind, and gentle, and encouraging,

each time you try to understand because you really care,

my heart begins to grow wings–

very small wings,

very feeble wings,

but wings!

Do not pass me by.

It will not be easy for you.

But I am told that love is stronger than strong walls

and in this lies my hope.

Please try to beat down those walls

with firm hands but with gentle hands

for a child is very sensitive.

Who am I, you may wonder?

I am someone you know very well.

Mother Daughter Relationship.

What children take from us, they give.
We become people who feel more deeply,
question more deeply,
and love more deeply. 

The relationship between Mother and daughter is most primal. It’s the original relationship.  Also it’s a relationship that has been sentimentalized but not honored,” says Lee Sharkey, Ph.D., who directs the Women’s Studies program at the University of Maine at Farmington. Here she teaches a popular course in mother-daughter relationships. Further she says “Women grow up and our energy is largely turned toward men, but the original love relationship is with a mother. If we as daughters don’t acknowledge that, we’re closing ourselves off from a great source of power and fulfillment and understanding of ourselves.”

It is a well accepted fact that the quality of a woman’s relationship with her mother is linked to her overall sense of well-being and her level of psychological distress. Regardless of our age our mothers have a tremendous influence in our lives.

Mother and daughter relationship mostly begins with young girls idolizing their mothers. They identify with there mothers, see her as a role model. They believe that mom has a solution for everything.

With teenage the daughters feel the need to establish their own identity and control over their lives. Here mothers give their daughters freedom and opportunity to hone their own decision making skills furthering to accept responsibilities and gain control over their individual lives. Teenage girls need psychological distance, and mothers do respect that.

Closeness is a matter of time, as again they reconnect after the daughter gives birth to her first baby. Daughter is no longer a child is a fact accepted by mothers. Now she has capacities to solve the problems and no monitoring is required.  When the roles have reversed and mom gets older, the daughter needs to care for her and that is again acceptable.

But mothers and daughters aren’t always best friends. Storm clouds in the adult mother-daughter relationship most often arise over one very basic question, “Will the mother accept the daughter as an adult? That means, when the daughter is visiting the mother does she let her run the house? Does she trust her to be independent on small issues as well as large — for “Letting the daughter be her own woman is a universal issue”.

Research states that mothers and daughters who struggle with their relationships as adults often repeat the old patterns of control and rebellion from childhood, they can’t hear each other. The daughter will hear the mother say something and she’ll think, ‘She wants to control me.’ And the mother is saying something that absolutely is controlling, but is not meant to be.” Meanwhile, when the daughter speaks, the mother hears nothing but anger — in a comment that does indeed convey anger but also “I love you, and can’t we do this differently?”

Why is the mother-daughter dynamic such a complex one?

Some daughters need their mothers’ acceptance before they make any move. The problem when mothers fix things for their daughter is that it erodes daughters’ self-esteem or it doesn’t allow it to develop. It makes daughters feel like they can’t do things by themselves.

Significantly unconditional love exists only in the parent-child relationship. Probably a mother would put her body in front of a truck for her daughter and call emergency or ambulance for a best friend.

Taking pride in their daughters’ strength is most satisfactory for mothers. Then mothers think that it is good that daughters are all independent and strong-willed women, but they’re also kind. Having compassion is as important as being ourselves. Otherwise life will be too self centered and narrow.  The roles women have to play are assertive, strong and definitely with understanding of other people.

An important part of parenting is LETTING GO.

The keyword is Know Thyself First , and mothers are supportive, at least they try to be supportive. But they need to know themselves first, often mothers know very little about the self and start putting emphasis on how the daughter turns out to be.  Thus, Daughters can learn a great deal from a mother who is self-aware herself basically.”

Essentially the best gift a mother can give a daughter — and, as she becomes an adult, that a daughter can give her mother — is permission to be herself. The daughter can be who she wants to be because the mother is who she wants to be, and mostly mothers would understand the fact that, if daughters have trouble navigating being an adolescent, it’s often because they don’t know who they are. Daughters seem to be sacrificing themselves to fit in. All that spunkiness they posses as a little girl goes out the window and they lose touch with what can be named as their internal compass.”

The greatest gift that either woman can give to the mother daughter relationship is honesty. Because self honesty, and honest self evaluation, can go a long way in the healing process.  These are the most basic, most elemental steps toward opening the door to a much better relationship with the most important persons in their lives.

“When you are a mother, you are never really alone in your thoughts.  A mother always has to think twice, once for herself and once for her child.”  ~Sophia Loren.

Comments are welcome.

Transformation – speaking moments.

There is a slight murmur at my tiny window, I open it…outside is the night sky, vast and fully illuminated.  A full moon, shining and resplendent, shadow less…. is looking down upon me, I am mesmerized by its beauty, the milky aura, the calm it spreads ….all holds me.

Now, I know this place, a place of homecoming.  Our mind is like an Eveready battery…always charged, ready to grasp, ever in motion.  Mind knows how to constantly create, search, solve, worry, fix, recreate and remember.  There are series of moments which make our life.  Still there are moments that shine with a difference, shine with quality and make our lives…..transform our lives.

Moments filled with something greater, a sense of deep meaning, of beauty that is life, of privilege called love,  of compassion,  of pain for others.  While  relieving such moments it feels that something might break inside us releasing an ocean of emotion, of desire to lead a life of real love and meaningfulness.

As Gandhiji put it “Be the Change you want to see in the world”.

The truth reveals itself softly, quietly as life surrounds us and moves forward at a tremendous, breathless pace.  Life is a constant change…a transformation. And transformation is rememberence. Moments that make our lives worth having lived.

And still we cannot live forever in these moments, life has to move on…at an hectic pace, like a cyclone…Change is the keyword, microcosm of the modern world and of the modern life.

In the womb of life the seed of highest potential ….CHANGE …at times gentle, sometimes turbulent.  The more we change the more we reflect on transformations we passed by in our life.

The meditative moon seems to agree with my harmless view of taking an occasional healthy dip in such special moments…..transformation.

I wonder as I write these words to you what those moments have been to you.

Comments are always Welcome.

Me and the Self – of finding the true me to outstand and outstare the other me.

Often, I look at me and do not recognize myself.

I wonder if it happens with others.  Maybe it is a passing phase but very disturbing.

All of us like to be who we are – here I ‘m talking of the human being, not the personality or the public persona others see. And that’s the reason we are afraid of change as and when we perceive it. I have always been the person others see, I say what I mean, I believe what I hear and if I can’t do any good I will try not to harm. All of us like being liked, I too like being liked and do not mind yielding a point if it will make other person happy without bending my own principles. This is another strong reason I don’t like seeing another me.

The other me – how do I define her?

She is a bit more full of herself; will argue very little to prove a point; will rebel to stop being a victim; sometimes needs to lash out; to hurt the one who hurt her; to feel the power of being able to crush.

That is my area of concern,  added to it our awareness of being caught in a race, running alongside needs and wants, being judgmental, to be better than the best, to outperform, to collect tangible symbols of success.

All of this has made me contemplate and stop to look again at the self. Dangerously I find an image, I don’t recognize, and definitely I don’t like.  That’s the reason I decided to stop the whirlpool of life and take a stock.

The aim is clear – to find myself. To control the restless, agitated, wild mind. To know the enormous strength of mind and serve in a constructive way.

Defeating all the odds I made way to a meditation camp away from home. This course teaches how to purify the mind, to free it from misery by gradually eradicating the negativities within. It is a deep operation into one’s own unconscious.

An direct experience of reality is essential. “Know thyself” from superficial, apparent, gross reality to subtler and then subtlest reality of the mind and matter.

Respiration is the proper point from which to begin this journey. Here,  Breath is a apparatus with which to explore the truth about oneself. Actually at experimental level we know very little about our body, we know only the external appearance and organs we can consciously control. Then there are internal organs operating beyond control, the cells, innumerable biochemical and electromagnetic reactions occurring constantly throughout the body.

We must know what is unknown of the self, and for this purpose respiration helps. It acts as a bridge from the known to the unknown. Because respiration is one function of the body that can be either conscious or unconscious, intentional or automatic.

The technique is to liberate the self from bondages of craving, aversion, delusion and enjoy real peace, harmony and happiness. Added to this vital byproducts achieved are right concentration, feeling of total compassion and attitude of practicing the right livelihood.

I hope the lesson stays with me and helps me to become myself again.

On a larger surface the stop clock should also serve the society with compassion and strength for other causes. Personally I feel causes like domestic violence, child labour and elderly care need a serious look immediately.

Next time I hope, I find again the person who would when she stepped on a flower, would apologize to it.  I know I’ll find her – she’s there within me, still.

Feel free to share your feelings on this topic at the comments provided below.

Writing for Introspection

My Childhood friends, my children and my very eminent recent friends, ask me to put my writing work public, but I am less courageous to do so, as I find it dangerous to express and expose the emotions and get heart attacks with some unpleasant experience.

My Mother insists that I write the story of my life for others to benefit from my experience, but I’m scared for we can’t carry our heart in our palm wading through the storm.

Recently one of my treasured friends asked me “How I can write such wonderful things?” I fumbled for an answer and replied that “I have to write, I can’t keep it inside any more”.

Yes, I have to write because I breathe. Writing is a very intimate act, amazing, and daringly creative baring your soul.

Of course, writing can be developed regardless of the myth that it is inborn. It has to be nurtured and worked hard at.

While writing I am in the process to unleash a part of myself. Also I am writing because I do not have a better medium to express myself.

I see these images, words, phases, metaphors forming in my head. While cooking coconut curry, I hear words irrelevant to the curry, I grab a pen and some paper to avoid the idea slipping into oblivion, while my curry reaches the melting point.

Since my marriage, regularly I have been throwing away pans, pots and cookers for they are burnt and damaged beyond repair. While driving I get this synonyms and figures of speech racking my brains and I am saved by a threads margin from serious accidents. Once in extreme case I left the cooking Gas ON throughout the night and next morning there was no cooking gas for making Tea. I am helpless as poems and spelling attack me.

Since grade 5 I write, to my dad’s pride and now my husband’s infuriation. Writing has a peculiar habit of appearing at most unexpected moments. For e.g. while preparing for tomorrow’s statistics exam I get goose bumps to write about emotional intelligence. My lost grades remind me of all losses.

Shifting my base sometime back, first thing that came to my mind were my books, notebooks and pens.

I feel light as a feather after writing. It is torturous, if I can’t put a thought on paper at the right time. The feeling is similar to being sterile.

So what do we write for? Saying for myself is partially true, as we need an audience to read and understand our work. So we need to be considerate about others feelings, spread the word to larger community.

But again writing to impress others is a short term process, it won’t last, leaving you drained, sapping you of vital mental energy.

I don’t need to write just for the thrill of being published. That is my Job as SEO and Content Writer, I can write 24X7. I write, seo it, see page rank, get thrilled. But writing is not about proving your mettle.

With due respect to my profession its draining to write for others. Deadlines, wordcounts and individual expectations are to be met. So, pay scales are higher to lure a freelancer.

Computer is a great invention, but I get pleasure when writing on a paper with a pen, with my horrible handwriting. It is a pleasure denied on the keyboard. I just love beautiful paper and nice pens. When unlucky enough to forget carrying, I ask for them at most unexpected places

On Writing, Stephen King calls the craft of writing a basic skill. He goes on to say that that “sometimes the most basic skills can create things far beyond our expectations…We are talking about tools and carpentry, about words and style…but as we move along, you’d do well to remember that we are also talking about magic.”

Yes, Magic it really is for Writing is Therapeutic, Internal Cleansing, Meditation and Introspection for me.

Whether you agree or disagree with my view point do leave a response below at the comments provided.

And Thanks a Lot for reading such a long article.